As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
