My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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