She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
