So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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