Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
