Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
