Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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