i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
