No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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