so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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