I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
