I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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