i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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