eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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