There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Randomize
