my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
