No stitches, just platelets and will power
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
