I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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