My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
