mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
