I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
sarcasm needs its own font
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
