We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
