Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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