Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
