you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
