That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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