I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
