I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
