you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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