I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
