mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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