In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
