I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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