Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize