You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I could fuck to npr.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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