I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
