Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
