The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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