The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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