I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize