It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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