u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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