I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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