if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
