people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
