I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
