I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
