everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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