and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
