I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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