my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
