you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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