i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
