filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
