so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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