My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
