I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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