I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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