you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
