my vag is so smooth its legendary
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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