Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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