Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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